The Next Great Deity by Millard Crow

Author:Millard Crow [Crow, Millard]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: absurdist, cthulhu, fantasy, humor, jesus, LGBT, metaphysical, postmodern, reality tv, religion, sci-fi, supernatural, surreal, the next great deity, theology
ISBN: 9781733557818
Publisher: Modern Lovers
Published: 2019-06-03T05:00:00+00:00

He Doesn’t Sweat

“Catch, Csozasvardas!”

“It’s Csodas—”

As the deer turned, a frisbee landed in his golden antlers with enough force to score a wince of annoyance.

“It’s Csodaszarvas.”

“Hey, good catch!” Jarilo clapped and bounced. His hooves clacked against the polished wood floor of their apartment. “Toss it back to me now!”

Csodaszarvas looked up into the frisbee caught in his antlers, back to the bouncing half-goat, then back to the frisbee.

“Jarilo,” Cso let his dissatisfaction hang in the air in an attempt to let the half-goat figure out why he couldn’t play with him. The young deity was painted with an anticipatory, clueless smile—so with a heavy heart, Csodaszarvas finished his thought: “I don’t have hands.”

“Oh, uh,” Jarilo leapt over the couch and bounded towards the deer, fished the frisbee out from his antlers, and retreated to the other side of the room. “It’s okay, I’ll just throw it and you can catch!”

“Jarilo, we’re in the living room.”

“That’s okay! We’re also in Heaven!”

Jarilo tossed the frisbee with a most unfortunate timing. The thermoplastic disc sailed into the air the same time that Oksi entered with a tray of Rui-be. It dinged him in the head, as if Jarilo’s arm were a cranium-seeking launcher.

But Oksi didn’t budge, his tray never shook, and outside of his sudden halt, he didn’t react. A certain darkness seemed to choke the room. The air pressure increased. Heart beats rose. Oksi’s unblinking stare froze his hooved roommates in place.

With a rehearsed grin, he turned to Jarilo, “Whoops. Glad you didn’t hit my fish,” and walked on. Jarilo decided not to throw frisbees anymore, indoors or ever again.

Oksi’s destination was the balcony where Imhotep currently reclined and drank a family recipe for Ra’s Beer. Despite the heavy orange moon’s tint, Imhotep laid splayed in short, semi-translucent robes, as if to catch the sun’s rays or a man’s gaze. With the moon full and no one around—until Oksi had slid open the glass door, at least—it can only be assumed, then, that Imhotep’s suggestive lounge-wear was for his own amusement.

“Hey, uh,” Oksi attempted not to look at the bare, swaying thigh. “I’ve offered everyone else, so I thought I’d offer you, too. It’s Rui-be, a type—”

“—of frozen, sliced fish, served with soy sauce and water peppers. It’s an Ainu dish that is largely found in northern Japan.” Imhotep did not turn to face Oksi. He just took another drink, and continued to sway his leg to the music in his head.

“Oh, you’ve had it before?”

“No. I’ve never been to Japan.”

A silence crept up, and Oksi did not know what to do with it. “Ah. Well, would you like some?”

Imhotep put just enough effort to lift himself up to his elbows, and twisted his head to make eye contact with Oksi. “The ancient Egyptians were vegetarians. Some ate fish occasionally, but no, it’s safe to say, more often than not, I would not like some. You’re in Heaven, you should spend some time researching the cultures of other deities. You have the time if I do.

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